Starting Afresh

CW- death

I have blogged for a long time. I say long time; I mean, over three years. I'm allowing that to be a long time. I know people who have blogged for far far less; I know people who have been alive for far far less. So, I have blogged for a long time. Which is a weird thing to say, because this blog is new and empty, and has, quite clearly, only jut emerged into life. I have blogged for a long time, but, lately, have found myself wanting to say more and more, and actually saying less and less. My previous blog- Adventures With Technicolour Hair- was brilliant, and I loved it. But, over time, things decay. I am not the person I was over three years ago- nowhere near. As wonderful a document as Adventures remains, I do not feel at ease with it anymore. It is time for new beginnings, time to start afresh- to say all it is that I want to say.

It's funny, really, because at the moment there is very little to say. Death has come, recently. Too recently. Too soon, always always too soon. As I posted on Facebook earlier this week, sometimes there are no words- and this is one of those times. The twenty-six letters of the English alphabet (being the only alphabet I have any real adequacy in learning) lacks the words I want to use to talk about this week, about this year, about this life. So I talk about other things, instead. Buzzfeed, and similar sites, will tell you it is an English thing, to talk about the weather when what we really want to talk about is anything but. I'm not sure whether it's an English thing. I like to hope it is, because that gives me hope, that one day I will find the places to have the conversations I want to have, not the ones we are bound to.

Is it raining in Heaven?

There are lots of words wasted, when it comes to death. Words wasted in asking how you are, without really expecting an answer; with dealing you platitudes- 'it'll be okay', 'better place now', 'no longer suffering', 'be strong'. All these things might be true. They're just not what I want to think about. I don't want you to try to make the world better, because it is not going to be better right now. The best thing someone said to me, in the past few weeks, was 'I know things are shit right now'. (That was a quote; I am allowed to swear if I am quoting) (Emily, if you are reading this, yes that was you, via text). Things are shit right now. Thank you, for recognising and validating and doing away with pretence.

At the same time, I am forcing myself to be reminded of Shane Koyczan. He is a wonderful person, at least his poems are, and on Friday- the day after The Very Worst Day, which came after What Appeared To Be The Worst Day- I made myself listen to Instructions for a Bad Day (which I probably should have listened to on both days previously). The last line is:

'When someone asks you how was your day, realise that for some of us- it's the only way we know how to say, "Be calm. Loosen your grip, opening each palm, slowly now- let go."'

It's true. We are English, and according to Buzzfeed, and other similar sites, that means we are bad at talking. But does that mean we are bad at feeling, and empathising, and sympathising, and all those other things that are beautiful signs of humanity?

I don't think so.