Ghost

{content warnings for self-harm/destruction, anxiety, grief, low mood, general poor mental health}

Maybe if I get more sleep.

Maybe if I have a shower.

I have been a ghost all week. I don't feel tangible. I don't feel like it has been a week. I feel more emptiness than anything else; I keep trying to piece myself together. I keep failing.

I can't describe how it feels to be a ghost, but it is terrifying and I can't hold onto anything.

God, I want to feel again.

I need to make a to do list. Except, I have tried that. I feel aimless.

I need more sleep. I know I need more sleep. But I can't hurt myself. I'm not allowed to hurt myself anymore. So I'll stay awake, instead.

Each time this comes back it's in a different form, the monster that grows two more heads. This is how it is this time. I should just fight it. I should try not to think, and just try to sleep. But this is exactly what it has always been, and yet is entirely different.

I am so tired. But I need to hurt.

I feel like I'm gliding through life. I feel distant, separated from it all, and I don't know how to break through. I feel so far away from everything, from everyone.

Nothing I do is good enough. Nothing I am is enough. No matter what I'm doing, I am wrong. I am letting them down, all of them.

Who will remember me? How much longer do we have?

It seemed like everything was okay.

If there is something I have learnt about grief recently, it is that it follows no rules. I cry suddenly, without explanation, and it isn't until my head begins to slow down that I realise that I am crying over things I didn't think would upset me.

She told me to let her know if I started to get anxious about exams. I cannot explain what it is like to be in my head at the moment. I am anxious about exams. I am anxious about the state of the world. I want to get everyone I love and place them in bubble wrap- but then they'd suffocate. That is a little of what it's like; that there is no safety left, not now.

How can I be happy? For all I know, disaster is just around the corner, and I cannot lose everything.

There is no safety. There is nowhere I am safe. Anything could happen, and I live my life on a tightrope. I want to be excited. I want to be happy.

I am terrified.

Be terrified.

I might well be anxious about exams. I can't hear anything, above the sound of my mind screaming, all the time, all the time.

When I was younger I asked whether she'd remember me, and we agreed that she was too young. She's older now, and she would remember me. But how? I am always upstairs. Always on my phone. And I try. I try so hard.

I spend a lot of time doing nothing, and it takes an extreme amount of effort.

I am trying to keep the wolves from their doors. I am trying to be okay. I am trying to juggle everything.

I am trying. I am trying. I am trying.

Maybe if I eat healthier.

Maybe if I take my tablets.

Maybe, this time, it will be different.

Forgive me for I am not acting myself, but the bees in my breath have to come out; well you give me no reason to doubt your word, but I still somehow have my reasons. And I'm sorry I don't mean to scare you at all, I'm just trying to drain all this bad blood; all this bad blood; all this bad blood.

- Bad Blood // Bear's Den