Right now, it is almost midnight, and I should really be asleep. Sleep is good for me, and might stop my thoughts being too fast, which they are sometimes. I was going to write a blog post, then I was going to have an early night; then I decided to watch a movie, then I wanted to go to sleep again. Evidently, that didn't actually happen. I am forever feeling tired but not sleepy; besides, I still had the blog post at the back of my mine. If I had written this blog post when I first wanted to, I might be asleep by now. I have told myself that I will write it, then get a snack, then finally sleep.
I am trying to get to the point, I promise. I'm just not very good at being concise- which is why my personal statement was such a stress, and why my teachers despair over my essays.
Anyway. I am trying to get to the point. I am trying to write about attraction. And all that jazz.
***
This year began with sadness, and sadness became heart-break. One way to put it is to say that I have spent the rest of this year trying to get over that heart-break. Which is true, because I am not over her yet. But I do not want to look at it that way. That makes it sound like that was the defining part of this year, when it was not. This has been a rollercoaster year, with a thousand different parts, and that was just one of them.
There has been a lot of attraction this year. Most of it has made me wonder whether my life is secretly being filmed as a farce. My friends laugh over my love life, because it is catastrophic; either the wrong person is falling for me, or I am falling for the wrong person. Normally the latter. I am prone to sudden, random crushes. Normally on the wrong person. Always on the wrong person. None of these are reciprocated. But, in turn and to be fair, the crushes that people have had on me this year haven't been reciprocated, either. We are all just ships passing in the night.
I am still slightly sad about the girl I met in the summer, who we call 'Shelter girl', who I am teased about and reminded about regularly. There are a couple of things to address in that first sentence. 'Shelter girl' implies that I do not know her name, which is not true. I do know her name, as I retort sometimes. It is a lovely name. I am not sharing it on here, though. Secondly, friends, if you are reading this, I do not mind being teased about her. It is good to laugh with you.
'Shelter girl' was in my life for a sum total of two meetings, amounting to maybe 10 minutes. She asked for my number, and never text me. Ho hum. She was probably straight, anyway. As far as she was concerned, I could just have been a friend, nothing more. Well, obviously, that is completely how it was as far as I was concerned, too. I do not still remember the glitter on her eyes. I do not ever think I've seen her again. Nope. Never.
Am I making myself out to be weird on the internet? Again? Probably. This is not a weird thing, I promise. We have all experienced it, haven't we? The fleeting 'what if' of a tiny moment that could have become more? I'm sure there is a word for it, in a language more descriptive than English. I'm sure this is universal. Everything that is 'weird' in England can be described far better in a different language, I have found. I wrote a blog on that already, sort of.
Attraction is difficult, because what is it? And isn't it easily confused? With different types of attraction, with friendship, with loneliness and what you should feel? I am overly protective and caring, and that becomes mixed up with attraction, I think. Or maybe attraction becomes mixed up with caring too much, and wanting to be too much.
Oh, I don't know. I used to write letters, on the internet, to people I cared about or wanted to speak to. I think that would work better, when talking about attraction, than a load of disjointed thoughts that don't make sense. Actually, that's a really really good idea. Well done me!
***
Dear U,
I guess you were the first person that taught me that not everyone thinks like me, around this sort of thing. I still think I'd have been okay with what happened, had it been the other way round. I am sad you weren't. Actually, I am not really sad about it. I didn't care enough to be sad about it, and that's why it ended the way it did. I'm sorry if I upset you, though.
Dear J,
I'm still not sure what really happened, with you. I'm still not sure what I wanted. I think it was for the best, though. My friend said it sounded like a clickbait title, and that is not enough to build something on, let's face it.
Dear T,
You and I were nothing, and it was quick, like a heartbeat. I am glad we met. I am glad we talked. I hope we can stay in contact, maybe a bit better than we are doing at the moment. Also, for the record, I think you're really fricking good looking.
Dear F,
I cannot lie and pretend I have not been hypothesising, filling in the blanks inside my head; and I cannot lie and pretend that didn't crush me a bit, to begin with, anyway. But it all happens for a reason, in this weird and beautiful life. That's the main thing to remember.
Dear H,
I am not sorry, so I am not going to pretend like I am. I wish to be honest, and I was; albeit, later than I should have been. I am sorry for that, at least. But I am not sorry for the fact of it happening; I am not sorry for finally being in control, and for making the Right Decision, and for listening to myself. And that's why we are where we are- because I am not sorry.
Dear N,
There are still days when I want to go back to where we once were. We are different people now. I wish distance and time were less. I wish I'd been the person I am now, back then. I wish it had worked out differently. Mostly, I wish you all the best I could wish upon anyone.
Dear L,
Someone is going to be so in love with you one day; I am not sure what I am feeling, but I will not let that person be me, because I would only hurt you, and I will not allow that to happen. But someone is going to be so in love with you one day, and all of this is confusing me, but someone is going to be so in love with you one day.
Dear N,
Maybe you are there, around the corner. Maybe you are holding all of our could-have-beens.
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