Carol, and Love

I've been reading a lot recently. Due to having money, and then due to Christmas, and also because of having lots of long car journeys, I've been stocking up on books. At some point I'm going to do a proper review (sort of) post of all of these. But for now, I'm just going to talk about one. This will contain spoilers, so be aware!

Carol.

It's in the cinemas at the moment, actually, I think it's just leaving. It was in the cinemas, anyway. And it has Rooney Mara in it, which is reason enough in itself to go. The other big reason is that it's about a historical woman/woman relationship (people say 'lesbian', but I don't think relationships are termed by our sexualities, and there is no confirmation in the book or film that either character is actually a lesbian). There are not enough portrayals of woman/woman relationships, and there are definitely not enough historical ones.

I haven't seen the film yet, but Little One (my wonderful friend) went last night, and said it was beautiful. She highly recommends it, and that is a third very big reason to go. So, I haven't seen the film yet, but I have read the book.

I got the book because I was looking for books that I knew had an LGBTQ+ focus, and I knew Carol did, because of the film. I also really like historical LGBTQ+ stuff, for which I blame Sarah Waters, and also the fact that I like historical stuff anyway.

Anyway. I am not doing very well with getting to the point of this blog post. Can you tell that I am tired, and also ill?

Carol.

It took me a long long time to get into. I spent most of the time I was meant to be reading messaging Little One, complaining about how much I hated it. Why did I hate it? There are two answers to this. At the time, I thought I hated it because it was very wordy, and a bit dry, and also confusing. Also because it was awkward, really awkward- by which I mean the main relationship was awkward, and a bit all over the place. Carol couldn't really decide what she wanted, and was very hot and cold, and treating Therese weirdly. Plus, there was a sort of power imbalance, which made their relationship feel a bit weird in an unhealthy way, and made me feel uncomfortable.

I tried to search for reviews, to see if anyone else agreed with me. No one did. Everyone was raving about this book, so I wondered whether it was just me. I almost completely gave up on it. And yet, for some reason, I didn't.

Now, I am glad I didn't. Because, somewhere between 20:25 and 20:46 on Sunday evening, my opinion very much changed, from 'it's still really annoying' to 'OH OKAY, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY' to 'all things considered, this book is revolutionary'. I know that that's what I was thinking, because those are the texts I sent Little One.

I am not sure quite what changed. I think the relationship dynamic altered a bit, and became clearer, and that made it easier to read. It became a road trip, which was interesting and fun and enjoyable.

It was at that point that I realised the other answer to why I hated it- because it was all a bit too familiar, a bit like something I've experienced before- so I disliked Carol on principle, and Therese because that made me Therese. I have never fallen in love with someone I met in a department store; nor have I been in such an awkward relationship, or gone on a road trip with someone I don't really know. I have, however, been in love like Therese; I have been unsure where I stood with someone, tried to bend and change to make sure I was Enough; I have been ready to throw everything over, to run after something that has half a chance of working. I have been deliriously, unequivocally happy. I have been in love.

I have also been heart-broken, by someone who chose something else over me- not because they didn't love me, but because the other thing was so much bigger than that.

It is really hard to talk about love on the internet. But really, I am not talking about love. I am talking about Carol.

So, it was hard to get into. But then, suddenly, it was beautiful and heart-breaking and moving. I am still to do so, but I am going to go through my copy and underline some of the lines, that are just so exquisite. I am going to reread it, not too soon, but at some point. Then, I will lend it to Little One, and then I will watch the movie.

Reviews of Carol say that it is unusual for a 'lesbian novel', especially of it's time, because it has a happy ending. It is good that it has a happy ending, because lesbians are so often the 'tortured souls'. We aren't the 'tortured souls'; we are living, breathing people, and we have happy endings. I'm just not so sure that the ending was actually that happy.

Sometimes, Therese, the happiest thing is to let go.