Goodnight Starman

Trigger warning for death; particular trigger warning for Bowie's death. Also reference to sexual abuse.

I am not sure where to begin with this post. But, I guess, that is the beauty of being resolute in being unedited. I do not feel like I have to know where to begin. I never really do. I just find it along the way.

David Bowie died last night.

I cannot claim he was a huge influence in my life. So I will not claim that. However, I am still allowed to mourn. I think we are all allowed to mourn, in cases like this. As my music teacher and I agreed, it is just surreal. Bowie cannot be dead. He may not have been a huge influence in my life, but he was still there. You do not expect these people to die- these idols, these inspirations, these non-human beings who become so much more than they are. Also, I do not think we just mourn the person. I think we mourn everything else. The contribution. The lifestyle. The era. The voice, that I am listening to now, and that that voice will never sing again.

It is really weird. So weird.

Bowie's lyrics are so poignant. I am listening to Space Oddity at the moment, about the stars looking different today. I have seen that line everywhere today, because it is true. The stars do look different today, because the world's Starman has gone.

I wore glitter today, because I always wear glitter. I cannot claim that that is something Bowie influenced me to do. However, today I wore glitter for him- in my hair, on my eyes, on my cheeks, on my lips. Because Bowie may not have been a direct influence in my life, but he was still there. He was still a forerunner of glitter. He opened a lot of doors and made a lot of things possible, and I, as an avid glitter-wearer, as a continuous non-conformist, would be doing him wrong if I tried to say he has had no influence in my life. He has, both directly and indirectly.

I watched Labyrinth when I was little. The 'you remind me of the man' is still a continuous and oft-spoken catchphrase in my family. I was watching it again a few weeks ago, though  I didn't get the the end- I'm really bad at getting to the end of stuff. I think that's what has made this weirder- that, by fluke, I was watching Labyrinth the other day. It's just weird to think about.

It has changed to Starman now. We listened to this in AS Music. It was one of my favourite pieces to analyse, actually, I think. Because there was so much to talk about. Because Bowie's contribution to music has been immense. He helped to change the face of music, you know- brought in this element of performance and wonder and drama. That's a huge thing to give to the world. Bowie was a huge thing to give to the world.

When we listened to this in Music, we all dressed up, as fitted the period. I had red hair at the time. I also had access to face paint. For a day, I was Bowie- zigzag and all. I remember that day quite well, because there is a picture of the four of us in that Music class, smiling and being happy. That picture isn't helping me today. I am mourning what we had then, too. Had this happened two years ago, we would have banded together, like we always did. Except, now, we don't.

Earlier I listened to Lazarus. Oh, he knew. He so knew. And isn't it weird? That he left this final thing, then went. Isn't the timing of death so weird? Like he was ready. He'd done what he wanted. Oh, Starman.

I know I am not making much sense.

There is another thing to consider, in deaths like this. That Bowie was not necessarily a good man. He was looked up to by many, and that is okay, if they look up to him we can't deny him of that, especially not now. However, he did some awful stuff too. There will be people who hear the news and feel only relief. And I am thinking of them, too. I hope they have peace in their lives. I hope they are okay. Please don't think you are ignored today. You are not. I cannot say anything more useful than that, so I will not try. I don't think I can say anything that will not incite an argument, and actually just that will, to be honest. I will leave it there. I just did not want to gloss over.

It is so difficult, to know what to say. Because I do not want to glorify him. He was not necessarily a good man. He did lots of bad things. But his contribution to music? I cannot deny that. His status, as an oddity, as a glitter-wearing non-conformist? I cannot deny that either. That is what I am mourning, at the moment.

Bowie has never been a huge influence on my life. But, my whole life, I have been an outsider. I have always been an oddity. And to know that there were other outsiders, other oddities that feel one with the stars,  is always helpful. The world has lost a huge outsider, today. A space oddity.

Goodnight, Starman. Everybody knows you now x