Alan Rickman

15/1/16 7:37

I am typing this on my phone. Normally I prefer to type on a computer; but today it is cold, and I am looking for reasons not to get out of bed. So here we are, phone; here we are.

There are lots of posts I want to write at the moment. I still want to write about Christmas and New Year; I want to write about communication, and knitting, her; about anxiety and happiness, and adventures. This is not what I wanted to write about at all.

I nearly cried when I heard the news; I was in Thrive, scrolling through Twitter, when I saw the Guardian article: Alan Rickman, dead, aged 69. Out loud, I said noooo. I clicked on the link, waiting for it to be a joke, looking for the punchline that would make me laugh. I did not laugh. I nearly cried instead. I told the others around me. We feverishly searched, trying to check whether it was true.

Either it's true, or it's an incredibly sick long-drawn-out joke.

Rickman will be known as a wonderful actor for many roles, and, I am sure, people will tell me I'm doing him a disservice. Maybe I am. I'll watch some of those other films, when it's a bit easier. But for now, he is my Snape.

There is a lot to be said about Harry Potter, and some other time I'll say it. For now, all you need to know is the same post I made on Twitter and on Facebook: Harry Potter was not just my childhood, nor did it merely change my life. It saved it, over and over.

Alan Rickman was not Harry Potter. He did not embody it. But he was a pivotal role. And, hence, I am heartbroken. I was sad and mourning for Bowie, but this is maybe worse, in a different kind of way. This is painful in a way I cannot comprehend.

Reading what his co-workers have said about him has been even worse. Especially Emma Thompson. He left a legacy on us, but he spent a lifetime with them, and a lifetime is something you will never forget. Same for his family. All those directly touched by this wonderful man. They are in my thoughts now.

I am not sure what to say now. I don't think there is anything to say now. The last month and a bit has been far too full of death and cancer. I am frustrated and sad and angry and generally fed up with the world. This is unfair.

I hope you sleep well Mr Rickman, even though I hate that euphemism. Thank you so so much for your part in my life. I am going to put on my Slytherin glitter now. With love xx