I hate this time of year- the end of winter, where it's too bleak to feel like spring just yet, and the cold feels unending. I like all of the seasons equally, but I hate this. I want it to be spring, and full of hope; or autumn, when everything is changing and the sky is beautiful; or the cosy part of winter, when curling up with a hot chocolate is acceptable and the world is full of Christmas lights. Mostly, I want it to be full of summer- I want the sun, and freedom, and adventure.
I'm going to watch Paper Towns in a minute, and at the moment I'm listening to 'Great Summer', by Vance Joy. I've been reading 'The Last Summer of Us'. I want a road trip through America. Instead, it's cold and the world isn't so colourful, and I need to do work. It sucks.
It's been a weird week. Incredibly busy and stressful. I crashed on Thursday and it was difficult. It's also been rewarding though- full of positivity and excitement and things coming together and solidarity. It has been a long, difficult week, but I am so grateful for it.
Yesterday, we made our relationship 'Facebook official'. I am so in love with her, and I want the world to know it.
I get angrier about stuff when I'm happy and in love, I have noticed. It starts off because I am angrier about homophobia. We are so happy, and content. This is so right. I do not understand why anyone would want to take this away from us, how anyone could see this as unnatural. So I get angry at people who are against this. Because what harm are we doing? We are drinking tea, and knitting, and, most of all, loving each other. Why is that not okay?
From there, I just get angrier about all kinds of inequality.
I quite like it, though. I feel fired-up and fuelled-up and ready to fight for change. I think this is a good state to be in, because I am happy but also ready to do stuff to make the world better. I could never be really content, because being content would mean not wanting to make a change, and I cannot be content when I am not wanting to better things. So, this is being content for me.
That brings me nicely onto the other thing I wanted to talk about, about the weirdness of being content. I am not really used to this. I am still all over the place- will I ever not be all over the place?- but I am more content than ever, with everything. And it is Weird. It makes me anxious, too. But I think, just power through, then it should be okay.
Anxiety is a side-effect of being happy. Sometimes, anyway.
I just watched The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. It is problematic, in a lot of ways, and I know I need to say that. But also, it is still one of my all-time favourite films (and books). It says everything I can't say. I am re-reading the book at the moment, because it is comforting me with it's wisdom and truth. So I re-watched the film too. It made me cry. It always makes me cry. But it makes me feel hopeful, and excited, and understood, too. I cannot explain how much I love it.
I think it's one of those books/films that I take something different from every time I engage with it. At the moment, I am learning that it is okay to be moving on in a big way- it is okay to be moved on in a lot of ways- whilst still dealing with the stuff you're moving on from. That sounds like it shouldn't be possible, but it is. I am happy and in love and this is wonderful- but there are past things that I am still dealing with, and that is okay. I am allowed to be in this state, I am allowed to feel like this, this is valid.
Last night, I had a really weird uncomfortable dream, where someone I used to know was back in my life. And then I had a wonderful dream, full of people I love. It is the second dream that I woke up thinking about, and that made me feel all warm and happy this morning. That is the perfect metaphor for life at the moment. That person, those experiences- they are going to be there, because they happened and they are still affecting me. But there are still wonderful things going on, and that is what matters. I will not let the past drag me down.
This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful.
- Perks of Being a Wallflower
That work just gets it.
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