Focus (La La La)

Focusing is not really something that's happening at the moment.

It should be.

I have two mock exams next week.

I put a lot of pressure on myself, more pressure than anyone else puts on me. I want to be perfect. I want to get A*s. I want to do lots and lots of revision and get the best grades. I need to be perfect and to be the best, because that's what a lot of my self-worth is based on.

It shouldn't be, I know. I should be finding other things that are good about myself. I should be trying to work on this. I should. I should. I should.

That's not the problem right now.

The problem is that I have mock exams next week, and I really really really do not want to have a meltdown.

So I need to do a lot of work.

I have a huge to-do list.

I just can't get myself to focus.

My head keeps drifting off and I keep finding other things to occupy myself with.

I do not want to revise.

So then I have mini-meltdowns, and occasionally larger ones, where I hate hate hate myself for procrastinating, and not doing work, and being such a failure.

I need to stop.

My head needs to stop.

All of this needs to stop.

I want to be perfect.

Don't think; just try and sleep

- Kate Nash