Saying Something

I have been meaning to write this post for a while, but life always gets in the way. In fairness, I should not even be writing it now. I should be doing work. I have procrastinated far too much today.

This isn't procrastination. This is healing.

It is almost exactly a year since I had my heart broken, and myself saved.

And I am feeling so small, it was over my head, I know nothing at all

- A Great Big World

I am so happy, at the moment. I am in love, and things are going well. It has all worked out. It is not perfect, but I am happy.

So why is being happy so damn hard?

I'm still learning to love, just starting to crawl

- A Great Big World

Happiness is not something I'm used to. Safety, trust, support, love- I have had all of this, of course, in plentiful amounts. But never like this.

This is hard to talk about, because I do not know who's reading. I have had my fair share of saying the wrong thing on the internet recently, and I am not keen for that to happen again.

So, let us say this: that I was in a difficult situation, just over a year ago, and there was no right or wrong answer. There never is. I was struggling, and there was lots going wrong, and there was no way I could be saved. There was no way out.

The situation I was in- it was not all bad. It was not what you are thinking. It was the year I learned that even good things have bad sides, and vice versa.

It was the year I had my heart saved, and I lost myself- then had my heart broken, and found myself again.

I am not sure what point I am trying to make.

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you; and anywhere I would've followed you...

- A Great Big World

I guess, what I am trying to say, is this: that healing is a long and slow process. That there are still days I am scared to look down, days when I forget what this is and where we were. There are times when I am so caught up in feelings from the past, I cannot quite catch my breath. Some days, my heart and brain are hurting too much from what happened to be able to hold on to the now.

And that is hard.

I am working on it, though.

Healing is a long and slow process, and maybe the hardest thing to heal from is from something where there was no right or wrong: only life. Because I cannot be angry, at the same time as I cannot really be no angry. I am sad, and not sad. I am everything and nothing. It is so hard to heal from, because you are healing from something that ripped you apart at the same time as making you become.

The main thing I am doing is trying to be thankful, and to learn. Those are the two things that have helped me most, that have got me here. Being thankful and learning are the two crutches I had, when I had nothing else. So that is what I do. I be thankful. I learn.

I will heal from this. It will not happen overnight, and I do not think there will ever be a day my heart is completely anew. In the spirit of being thankful, and learning, and not regretting, I feel sure that I do not want a day when my heart is anew. However, I am healing, and that is what matters.

I am still here; still breathing, still dancing. I am surrounded by all the wonderful things in life- I am so full of love and happiness. And I can be all of that whilst healing. I am allowed to do all of that at once.

I am here, and I am looking at her, and she is so beautiful.

- Perks of Being a Wallflower

In Law at the moment, we have come near to an argument about morals, because there are most things which I refuse to dub entirely wrong. It does not work for everything, but for most things. People are people, and life is life, and sometimes we do things other people do not agree with. In the early hours of New Year's Day, she told me that one of the things she likes best about me is my ability to see both sides of the story, and to be fair. That meant a lot to me, because that is something I try so hard to do that- in Law, in life. That is something I learnt from having my heart saved and myself lost, and having my heart broken and myself saved. That is something I'm thankful for. Amongst the rest.