Meh

TW- tired anxious rubbish; reference to self-destruction/self-sabotage/implied self-harm; general low mental health stuff; just not a very happy read

I don't really know what I'm writing but what else is there to do?

I'm trying to get work done and it's okay, but there's so so much to do, and I'm so so tired and I can't concentrate, I have absolutely no motivation.

I just want to crash into oblivion but that's not an option, there is no option, I can't even self-destruct like I used to, and I hate that not being an option, but I hate that I hate that because I'm so lucky.

I thought getting this close would be so wonderful and I think it still will be, but this should be the easiest part, and yet I'm too used to self-sabotaging and self-destructing to let is pass as easily as it could. You get so used to ruining everything that letting stuff be okay is so hard.

It's so hard to be happy.

I don't know why I'm writing this because I'm meant to be okay, and I should be doing other stuff, I should be functioning, I have no reason to be like this, I have no reason to let this happen, I have no reason for any of this.

I'm so bad at letting myself be cared for and I think the other night was the first time I've let myself cry to someone who's not got some kind of responsibility for my welfare in so, so long, but even that felt difficult and even then I felt myself trying to rescue the situation, to put it back on level footing, back to the kind of situation where I know how to work it. I can't let myself be cared for because that's not what I'm used to, and because if I'm being cared for then I can't do the caring, and maybe someone else is falling apart, and then what?

Useless, useless, useless.

I don't want this to haunt me anymore, I don't want any of this anymore, I want it all to go away, I want this to be right, I want to be everything and more, but I can't, I can't, and I hate it so much. I don't want to be less, and this is making me less, I could never hate you and that's part of the problem, but I really hate what all of that did to me. I hate that I'm inadequate and I hate that I can't cope and I can't hate you, so I hate myself, it's what I'm used to.

I don't want to do tomorrow, I don't want to do tomorrow, I don't want to do tomorrow.

I want a hot bath, and I want to sleep, and I want to get away from all of this.

I don't want to be held because I want it too much.

I'm so good at running away, and I'm so good at self-sabotage, and I'm not very good at sticking around and letting myself be happy, and that's what I'm trying so hard to do right now, and I'm determined to do it, I'm determined to overrule all of this and to be me and not let the rest of this take over, but it's so hard, why is it so hard?

I don't want to let my mind speak louder than my heart but today it is so damn loud and I am so cold.

I know I need to self-care, I know I need to get myself out of this mindset, but maybe it's less about getting myself out of this mindset and more about getting out of my mind?

We need more of this, we need more brutal honesty, but it's not easy, it's so hard.

I don't know.

I want to be happy and most of the time I can deal with this rollercoaster, because I get the highs even if it's not all peachy all the time. But right now I want to sleep.