Long Long Week

I am feeling entirely exhausted today. It's been a very long week. Not a bad one- there have been brilliant times every day, and some generally really good ones- but a very long and tiring one. It's not even over yet, and even the thought of tomorrow- which, for the record, I am entirely dreading- is making me feel even more exhausted.

Tomorrow evening I am going to have a long bath, and it is that that I am looking forwards to.

This week I have had mock exams. One of them went quite well, I think. The other, not so much- I think the paper I handed in was more tear-stained than full of knowledge. It is my own fault, for having no motivation and for not revising enough and for generally not being enough. It is all my own fault.

I am just so tired and I have no energy and no motivation. Stuff is not even particularly bad at the moment, so I don't know why all of these things are happening, and it is scaring me a bit.

I do not want to know the result of the exam I did not do well in. I know I will hate myself even more for it. I know I have let myself down, very badly. I just want to pretend it did not happen.

Now, I am trying to do more work. But I am so damn tired, and I cannot rest, because there is so much to do. So, so much to do, and I need to find motivation, but it is sadly lacking.

I am telling myself that it will all be better in a few weeks, when things in one area of my life should be somewhat more sorted. The truth is, I am not sure that will happen at all.

I feel so crushed and tired and there is so much to do and I cannot cope with how much there is to do right now.

Yesterday was the best day ever. K and I spent the whole day being creative and having fun- we finger-painted, and made wonderful art, and danced around the kitchen, and cooked and ate yummy food, and listened to beautiful music, and went for a walk, and laughed a lot, and it was all so beautiful.

If it was such a good day, why am I feeling so rubbish now? It was meant to be a rest day, and yesterday I felt rested, but today I do not.

I guess this is the crash that I knew was going to come after London- which, by the way, was hands down the best day ever- but I am still not appreciating it. I just want to be me again, and to do all the things.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I do not have the energy for any of this.

I just really want to sleep.