Frustration Isn't Just a Board Game

The last few days have been wonderful. I went to my favourite place with my favourite person, and it was wonderful. I met up with two of my much-loved, much-missed best friends. Easter Sunday was lovely. Today has been chilled and also productive. The last few days have been really really wonderful, and I have been so appreciative. I've been feeling good. Today, I felt like maybe things were beginning to level out- not to being 'okay' by typical standards, but at least to level out by my standards.

Now, that feels more like a dream just outside of my grasp. As I was trying to get to sleep, for reasons unbeknown to anyone- particularly myself- I felt the physical effects of anxiety beginning; the increased heart rate and weird breathing. No particular reason for it- as I said, I've had a few good days and, whilst I am always anxious, I was feeling pretty good. Tried to ignore it. Tried to go to sleep. Used distractions and breathing mechanisms.

Still no. It got worse, and eventually became more mental/emotional, too. Sigh. Hence why I'm now sat up in bed, at half past midnight, when I am exhausted and had really been hoping for an early night.

This is so frustrating. It's some kind of dance, of steps forwards and backwards again. And yes, I am lucky. Yes, this is the longest period of being quite well that I have ever had. But it's 'quite well'. It's not 'well'. I am all over the place still. Some days I only just function. I still cannot place how I feel, because it's so all over the place. Death anxiety is probably at the worst it's been for years. I say I'm doing well. I tell everyone I'm okay. And, you know, that's not a lie, because I am. But also I'm not. And I can't explain that.

Sigh.

I need to sleep. I need to keep on keeping on.

This is so bloody frustrating.