Talk About... Me, I Guess

I need something to do with my evenings that isn't revision or work or activism-related. Something that is fun, or at least interesting. I also realised that I hadn't ever really introduced myself on here. I just jumped straight in with some heavy stuff about grieving. There's an about me page, if you're interested- check out the link with all the question marks. Or keep reading. I think you're going to get to know me now.

For honesty's sake, I doubt I will write this all at once. I will probably get to it in bits, when I feel like it or when I need a break or both. To keep continuity, I'm not going to mark the breaks. I hope that's okay.

Anyway. I found a list of things called 'talk about...'. It's meant to be a Tumblr thing, you know, where people send you numbers to your inbox? But I thought I could use it here, as a way of introducing myself a bit more. It skips out the formalities of introductions, like how old I am and what my eye colour is, and it's interesting. Then you get to know me, I guess. If you want the link to the list, you can find it here- I'm not claiming any credit for it. All I did was a Google search.

Okay. Here goes.

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Talk about the first time you watched your favourite movie.

I'm not sure how to answer this one. I don't think I really have a favourite movie. I am very bad at picking favourites out of anything, to be honest. I really like Gnomeo and Juliet; I remember going to see it with my friends. I remember how we laughed a lot, not at the movie, just at us and the world. It was a good day. I'm not in contact with all of them and I miss them a lot. I can't remember the first time I watched Perks. It must have been after I finished reading the book, probably at home, by myself. Oh, now I think about it- I think I might have put it off for ages, because I loved the book so much, and I didn't want it to be ruined. Or maybe that was My Sister's Keeper? I can't remember. I've got a really bad memory.

Other favourite films... I really like The King's Speech, and I think I saw that at the cinema, though I can't remember if that was intentional or not- I can't think it would have been my first choice of film, not before I saw it, anyway. I feel like I probably saw it with a friend who's got the same name as me, we used to go to the cinema a lot. I think I liked it more than she did. I really like that film.

I remember the first time I saw About a Boy really clearly. We were sat on the sofa at home, it was evening, it was a showing on TV. That film changed my life. I cried, I think, at least I felt like crying, because it meant so much to me, and I couldn't believe it had taken me so long to find that piece of me; I'd been meaning to watch that film for so long.

I'm not sure what other movies I'd class as my favourites. I like The Fault in Our Stars; I saw that in the cinema with my friend R, and we both cried a lot. On the way out, one of the cinema attendants was by the door handing out tissues.

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Talk about your first kiss.

I guess there are two answers to this. I'm going to go with the second, because the first one meant nothing to me; it was more to fit in, than anything else.

My first kiss was brief, and I guess nothing special. But great, you know, because it was my first kiss.

I don't really know what else to say about this one. I remember it clearly. I remember how nervous I was. I remember regretting not doing it sooner.

***

Talk about the person you've had the most intense romantic feelings for.

K. Always K. I could talk about her for hours. I could talk to her for hours. But it would sound contrite and cliche, and you know, I feel like people who follow me on Twitter have had enough of this already.

K is wonderful, and that is saying everything and nothing all at once.

***

Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

I know this is maybe going to make people doubt my truthfulness, or maybe even groan/wince, but honestly, there's nothing I regret. I could spend time regretting things, or I could spend time taking lessons from stuff and being thankful. I choose the latter, every single time. Regretting is like wishing something never happened- and, for one, that's a waste of time, because it did; but, more importantly, if something hadn't happened, you'd never learn from it, and if one domino doesn't fall, the rest don't either. The butterfly effect. Also, it just feels a bit rude, you know? So I don't regret. I find things to learn from, and I find things to be thankful for. That's just what I do.

***

Talk about the best birthday you've had.

A lot of my birthdays have been pretty good. I'm not sure there's been a best. My 18th was pretty good though, particularly. My mum's friend made me a cake that had Paddington Bear on, and I went to Pizza Hut with my family, and it was lovely. Because of exams, celebration stuff got delayed, so it spread out into bits over a few weeks. I went for a picnic with my friends, and it rained, and we ended up at the top of Cabot Tower in the middle of a storm, which was pretty cool. Then we went to the museum and played Sardines. It was weird and wonderful and perfect. A few weeks later, my extended family went for a meal in Clevedon, which is beautiful and one of my absolute favourite places. My mum made me a rainbow cake, and it was the best thing. That was a really good birthday. 

In general though, birthdays are pretty good- because they're an excuse to get together with people and chill and just spend time together. I'm lucky to have a June birthday, so normally I have a picnic with my friends. We go to Brandon Hill and relax in the sunshine and it's wonderful. I'm really looking forwards to doing that again this year.

I've just remembered that one year when I was little I had my birthday in Disney Orlando. That was really incredible, especially as I was young enough to be completely blown away by the magic of it all. I had a badge that said it was my birthday, so everyone knew and I got a bit of special treatment. And I spoke to Mickey (or Goofy?) on the phone and they wished my happy birthday. That was amazing

***

Talk about the worst birthday you've had.

I don't think I've ever had a completely bad birthday. They've always been good, in one respect or another.

One bit of a birthday stands out though; trigger warning for body image. 

I remember getting two pairs of jeans for my birthday, and trying them on in the evening. I can't remember whether they fit properly or not, but I thought they didn't. I thought I looked fat in them. I remember crying to my mum for a long time. It wasn't a bad birthday, though. Just a blip.

Trigger warning over.

***

Talk about your biggest insecurity.
Um. I have many. So many.

I guess, mostly, that I'm not enough. That I'm not good enough. That I don't do enough. That I'm not good enough as a sister/daughter/girlfriend/friend/student/activist et cetera. That I'll never become enough. Never enough. And so on, and so on.

***

Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

I think getting to a year clean of self harm was a pretty big one. Also, doing my GCSEs when I was quite ill was a big achievement to me. Mostly, though, that I get up and go do the life thing, and that I'm still here. I'm incredibly proud of still being here, of surviving and living.

***

Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

I have a third nipple, and I like it because it's unusual. It's tiny, and looks a bit like a mole, and it's on the line of my bra so most people don't know it's there (I say most people; I'm slightly renowned for showing people- not always in the most appropriate of settings...). I've got a birth mark on my head, in the shape of a heart. I'm not sure if that's a little thing, because though it's small in size, it means a lot to me. It's what I use whenever anyone asks for a fact about me, or anything like that. When I say it looks like a heart- I mean, it really looks like a heart, and I was born that way. I like that a lot, probably the most I like anything on my body.

I quite like the shape of my head, and my nose, because they're the things that people comment on as relating to my Nigerian heritage. I'm definitely not Nigerian at all to look at in any other way, so I like that there are still parts of it there.

I think that's it?

***

Talk about the biggest fight you've ever had.

I'm not sure. I don't really get into fights. I guess we could interpret 'fight' as argument though. I've been in a fair few arguments, some pretty big ones too. I just, you know, don't really want to talk about them on here. Either they're painful, or they're in the past and done now, and who's got time to bring it all back up again? Mostly, because I've never 'fought' with someone who hasn't meant something to me, and that makes me not want to talk about it- because they might not want it to be online, and because I care too much about them.

Someone wise once told me that we only 'fight' (read: argue) because we care. I hold onto that a lot.

***

I've answered ten of the questions now, and I'm actually really enjoying this. I'm going to answer more of the questions- actually, they're prompts more than questions- but not on this post, because I don't want to make it too long. So enjoy this for now, and watch this space for more :)