Idk

Idk stands for I don't know. It also stands for how I feel right now.

I've had an actually really good day. I spent this morning helping out in History lessons, and in Thrive. We delivered an assembly, which went well, and made a super good display board. Lunch was nice. I had a Law lesson this afternoon, and it was both funny and interesting. After school, I met up with friends I haven't seen in ages. Today was actually really good, and I was a bundle of positivity.

~mood crash~

I don't know. I got anxious at the bus stop and started feeling all worm-y inside. On the bus I knitted, and did positive self-talk & CBT stuff, and breathing techniques. The bus was in traffic the whole way, but that was good because it gave me time to calm down and feel okay. So I was feeling okay again.

~mood crash~

Now I am not feeling okay. I think this is leftover from other things that have happened, things I could not deal with at the time, a few moons ago. It if Monday evening, and it is cold and I am tired, and there was nothing really to look forwards to this evening. I forget that actually, I have dealt with a lot, and sometimes it is going to come back to haunt me. This is just one of those times, when I feel a bit more ghost than actual person.

But, you know, I am so much stronger now? I can do knitting, and breathing techniques. I am telling myself over and over and over that it is different, that it is okay, that this is normal and natural and this is going to be okay.

Screw you for leaving me like this. I don't blame you. But I do.

So why am I not okay? I should be okay. I have every reason to be okay.

Anxiety is a dick.

Breathe.

I have given up on work for this evening. I am going to have a wonderful bubble bath, and light candles and incense, and drink tea, and read. Later, I will cosy up in bed, with more tea and candles and incense, and knit. Maybe I will try to write that poem I have been working on.

Tomorrow, there is assembly, and Thrive, and I can get lots done. On Wednesday, I am helping one of my favourite teachers with lessons, then I have an important meeting, and then I am back to PASH. On Thursday, we are planning for the LGBTQ+ group, then I will either go to Mentality or be productive. Friday, revision date with my wonderful fav. And Saturday, adventuring with the same lovely bean. See? This week is going to be a Good One.

~could this be a mood lift???~

This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her. And she is so beautiful. I can see it.

Charlie, Perks of Being a Wallflower (Stephen Chbosky)

I am not the person I was a year ago. This is not like it was a year ago. This is happening. I am here and I am looking at her, and she is so so beautiful.

This life is so so beautiful. I am determined to see that. I am determined to glitter.

Screw you. I am happy now, and I am not giving in to that.