The Remaining Musketeer

I guess this isn't what I should be doing right now. I should be revising, or eating, or sleeping. Not blogging.

I guess this isn't what I should be doing right now. I should be getting on with my life, living in the moment. Not thinking about it.

I guess this isn't what I should be doing right now. I should be trying to fix the situation, making amends. Not this. Not this. Not this.

Saw the world turning in my sheets, and once again I cannot sleep; walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars, look at the stars fall down, and wonder where did I go wrong

- Same Mistake, James Blunt

I don't think you ever knew how much I cared about you, how much you meant to me, how much you gave me. You can look at all of those pictures, and think of all those memories, and maybe it doesn't hurt you. But me? You were my world, the pair of you. In all of those pictures I am standing between the two people who were my everything. All of those memories, the stupid laughs, the weird and wonderful moments- they're so precious, and yet they hurt so much.

I don't think you ever knew how much I loved you. How much I love you.

I'm not doing this out of hate or spite or even anything remotely negative, you know. Do you know? I doubt it. I'm doing this because I love you too damn much, and, whilst this is painful, anything else would be even worse.

This hurts. So much.

It's hard to believe you remember me

-High, James Blunt

I don't think you do, you know. Not really. I don't think you think of me, and definitely not like I think of you- not this dull ache that occasionally spikes.

I still talk about you- so much. I tell the stories of the times we laughed. The giraffe ate the lion in the clean toilet. All of it. All of it. I've still got the pictures on my wall, and some days I wonder whether I should take them down. I know I never will.

I talk about you like you put the stars in the sky.

You put the stars in my sky.

Do you know how often I contemplate messaging you? To apologise, to ask how you are. And then I remember: you're not the people I remember. You changed. I guess I did too. It's unfair of me to expect things to stay the same. All of this is unfair of me.

I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice. Give me reason, but don't give me choice, because I'll just make the same mistake again.

- Same Mistake, James Blunt

I try to see everything as happening for a reason. I try to find things to be grateful for, and lessons to be taken. The former isn't hard. I am so so grateful. You gave me an infinity. You gave me some of the greatest things anyone ever could- support, friendship, love. You were there during some of my worst nights, when everything was so bleak. You gave me a smile. You gave me me.

I would not be who I am today were it not for you.

There's so much of you in everything that I do, I just wish that you were still around...

- So Much, Newton Faulkner

But lessons? That's harder.

That people change?

That sometimes, it is better to let go than to hold on?

I am a big believer in trying to make the hard times into lessons. But this is the hardest one, I think.

We're so far gone

- So Far Gone, James Blunt

People still ask me about you, both of you. I shrug it off, mostly. I say we've fallen out. I guess we have. Well, we did. It's not a lie. It's just not the whole truth, either. It's the simplified version. The version in which I get to pretend that I don't care.

I care. I care. I care.

I miss you, I could use a friend to run some things by now and then

- So Much, Newton Faulkner

One of the worst parts was when things started to go right again. A few years ago, you would've been the first people to know about all of that. It would've been you I messaged, all ecstatic and full of glee. Probably you egging me on.

It's hard to listen to that song now. That was the best advice you ever gave me, and I've finally found someone who makes it all make sense. But- but it was the song you sent me. Your response, the first time.

Remember?

You'll be spinning like you're drunk from the light of the moon

- If She's The One, Ellis Paul

I don't know what hurts more. Missing someone- or missing the memory of someone. I can't say that I miss you, because if it were that simple none of this would have happened. I miss the people we used to be. I miss the us. I miss the people I used to love, the people I still love.

I hate myself for still loving those people. Partly because I'm hurting. Partly because it's unfair.

Partly because it has always been easier to see this as my fault.

I'll just say what you won't say, and I'll take the blame if it's for your sake; no turning back on what we can't save, we're so far gone

- So Far Gone, James Blunt

You were there when that became my coping mechanism.

Do you remember? The summer I fell apart?

You never really knew what happened, that summer. I didn't need to think about it, when I was with you. You thought you knew the worst parts, those awful days and nights- but there were far worse times, the times I never really spoke about. I didn't need to talk about it. You loved me anyway.

You were part of the puzzle that saved my life.

I'm still here, still fighting; still crazy, still trying. I owe you so much, I hope you knew that

- So Much, Newton Faulkner

I miss you. I will always miss you; just like I love you and will always love you. And whether it's the people we were, or those we became- it's still valid.

I don't know what lessons I've learnt from all of this, except that sometimes things are hard and that there's no alternative, or that sometimes it's better to pull away than to hurt even more. I do know that I'm grateful, though.

I hope we meet again. I hope it's okay. I hope I get a chance to hug you again. To sit. To talk.

To be us.

'Cause we will be forever you and me

- Two Worlds, Amy Macdonald

There will always be a world where you are my music partner, where you are my clock-watching accomplice. There will always be a world where we wear our hats and scarves, where we sign to one another. There will always be a world where I stand, between the two of you, smiling, between my everything.

It's one thing time will not erase, my life would not have been the same

- So Much, Newton Faulkner